"L"legory

Seriously folks, I never thought I'd get into watching the Showtime soap opera "The L Word" but I have gotten through a full season now and have grown quite accustomed to it. I recall the hype when the show first debuted and saw and early episode and found it incredibly boring.
Let me describe the scene I saw: The ensemble cast sitting on a couch very casually talking, the mood supportive with an implied poignancy. Jennifer Beals' character Bette is in a cab making a call on her cell....she waits as it rings and rings....all the while the cab is on her and cuts to nothing else. I can't fully describe how dull I found it. No sex no nothing. Anyway I got rid of Showtime shortly after this. I briefly watched Queer as Folk on DVD, just for the sake of watching a full show on DVD and found the characters so unlikeable and nauseating I questioned why I was wasting my time with this. To me entertainment is intrinsic on it's own sake, and I can't say I have a point of reference for all things Queer,so ditch that.
Now I live with a girlfriend who loves the cable and loves the lesbos, so now...I have a frame of reference, I guess. This has also required that I initiate a point of view, but I am rather leery of opinionating too much on the characters/actors individually
UNTIL NOW!!!!!

If your'e a lesbian (or just want to look like one) enjoy this one-time only event, for I may not survive the wrath of the Estrogen Avalanche that is dumped upon me, as I rate the stars of cable-TV's L WORD!!!

word.

My douche'y criteria is simple: Likeability and Do-ability. In other words, how likeable do I find the character, how DO-able I in my ultra-sensory heterosexually modified mind, find the actress as presented on the screen.

I may make minor notes about script, music, shooting style etc. which are of course integral factors, I'll try to keep them brief,but ..ladies, if I may clarify something ...it's all about the BOOBIES!
Am I right? Can I get an A-(wu) Men? ....'yyyellow?....(acid stares)

Okay, here we go!


LF/DF: 6/8
I can't stand her voice. Nasal and very very busy. Still she does have some zingers, laced with colorful profanities and disses. Like most of the characters, she doesn't seem to have a regular job and spends much of her time looking for fresh Vageen and I liked that she was rather loose, but eventually settled down with the armored vixen Tasha. Too bad T's headed back to Iraq, Alice needs to settle the fuck down, she acts 24 but is probably closer to 33.


LF/DF: 4/5
Why does the show dwell so often on Bette's fearful "Deer in the headlights" glare? At work she's Miss "in control" cursing and legislating and micromanaging. With her relationship with her ex (Tina) and current flame (Jody) it's this woman who is afraid of fucking up and clueless as to what her inner feeling tell her. Still, she is rather attractive despite some hideous "couture" wardrobe. Really stupid silk tops and mutant sport coats.


LF/DF: 5/8
I'm sure I'm not alone in saying that I liked this gal much better when she was a broke-ass caterer. I missed much of Helena's background in previous season's affairs, apparently she came from money and was cut off. Now she's reluctantly whoring herself to degenerate gambler/functionally undead Katherine. We love Helena's little accent, her high cheekbones, her chewy brown nips. But that horse race was just wrong, dirty but wrong. Such folly, the girl is fucked, but you know an evil deed like stealing a million from a more evil person on this show will SURELY go UN-Punished. I repeat, unpunished. The gang flaunts the law on a regular basis, commiting, indecent exposure, trespassing, theft and vandalism on a regular basis without a single indication of possible intervention by the po-po. Where is Erik Estrada when you need him? Wait, I have his agent on the phone...the condo scammers dumped him, he's available!


LF/DF: 1/3
This one I really must answer for, because I made a comment to J that I found Jenny "somewhat attractive". Granted, this is a show about lipstick lesbians and they're not going to cast someone with missing teeth and crawling acne, though I wish they would. The main crux of the matter, and the writers have been merciless in driving the point home is that Jenny is an unscrupulous insufferable back-stabbing cunt who claims to be an "artist" and a "serious writer of FICTION" "Fiction in Jenny's mind is writing minor changes to the accounts of personal experiences of her friends, with slight name changes. What is most unrealistic, or unbelievable about this show is how SUPPORTIVE and CLOSE this circle of friends are. They hang out all the time, with few, very noticable absences if any single one of the main characters fail to show up for any get together, no matter how insignificant. How these modern "working" gals manage to fit these coffeeshop, nightclub, shopping and/or beach combing events into their schedule so consistently boggles the mind. So Jenny's expose is a crass violation of any percieved code of privacy these gossip sessions have. Why they still hang with her "supportively" is a glaring gaffe by the show's writers. They can certainly do without this character and have written every reason that she should suffer some form of estrangement. Still she lingers on, although last seen she was lingering out to sea on a suicide life-raft.
When I opined that Jenny was...y'know. it was in a scene where she was in a nightrobe drinking a large cup of tea, very cozy like. I truly believe in the restorative powers of tea and perhaps it is a redemptive act. Unfortunately as she was holding the cup she was defending her "craft", sarcastically addressing Tina that again, her work was one of "fiction". No hope for this one.


LF/DF: 6/5
How the fuck can you not singe your big perfectly coiffed tresses while using a blow torch? If you've seen Marlee Matlin's act, it's kind of take it or leave it. She is a remarkable actress, sure, but when she's on screen why does it always feel like I'm in the presence of E.T? Does the Earth stop rotating on it's axis when she is signing? What's the big deal? It was a big deal when she won an Oscar for her performance in Children of a Lesser God, and looked damn good doing it. But I feel her looks have slipped a bit, frankly but she's the right age for Bette. She played the party scene well, although with her hair tied back she looked like a greyhound. It wasn't until the last episode that I even began to understand her "art" It's ah, sort of vertical.


LF/DF: 6/4
Kit (Pam Grier) Gets madd brownie points for her past work in such films as Coffy, Black Mama/White Momma, Drum, Scream, Blacula Scream and Jackie Brown. She was fierce, proud, gorgeous and talented. Although her looks and singing ability are not what they once were, she has a place on this show, basically playing herself. Another possible gaffe by the writers is why Kit takes Angus back after his wayward fling, but I suppose we are led to believe that this unconvincing guitar player with his unconvincing beard has some strange effect over Kit that keeps her off the booze. Sho' yer right, baby!


LF/DF: 9/8
Here's a shocker,folks! High scores for the pre-op! You gotta hand it to somebody who wants to give up being a hot chick to be a computer nerd dude! It helps to not have a Cheetos addiction. Maybe I just like it that Max goes to work like a normal person and has to take crap from real people, doesn't live in a lesbian coccoon and doesn't sleep around because he's not comfortable with his body. Very sympathetic, very dude-a'riffic. And I understand the actressplaying Max is just an actress playing a part so it's okay, right?


LF/DF: 5/8
What the fuck happened to this girl's mojo? A whole bunch of hype for a couple weeks, Papi was billed as an enigmatic figure on the ourchart site, but only based on how many girls she slept with, so I guess that doesn't quantify to much outside the the BOX. We aren't left with much in the aftermath: a hit and miss fashion show by this Indian girl playing Hispanic. And her conquest of Kit is pure starfuckery, causing her to derail her lesbian hit parade, stuck in the mud of rejection malaise. And what excuse does she have for hanging around these lezbot buds she AIn't FUCKIN??? Her whole M.O. is limo gig, make the cash, use the limo as portable Pussy access palace! Work Bitch!! And pick up some snatch! That's what you do!!!!!!!!
Word.


LF/DF: 4/3
Okay, greeaat. Every time she's in a scene, things get "a little weird". Perhaps it's better to be camp on a cutting edge show than basically playing an older married lady in some freakin' drama. I'm not a big fan or hers, nor does Candace Bergen move me. At least Cybill was good in The Last Picture Show and Taxi Driver. The scene where her (real life) daughter berates her for abandoning her and the family for her own selfish means is illuminating, but very weird. It would mess me up a bit if it happened to me, are you reading this Mom?


LF/DF: 8/8
It is probably worthwhile for me to Netflix the previous season of L to get proper background info on Shane. I must have come along at an impasse, as Shane is currently depicted as very responsible and eek...monogamous. The first thing I recall is Shane washing up on the beach doing lines of coke with Rosanna Arquette. A few weeks later she's shacked up with T3 (Kristanna Lokker) and getting all palsy with her kid, and previously her little brother. I confess I don't fully "get it" with Shane's purely sexual appeal. But I like that the character is fairly independent of thought, gives not a fuck, has her own fashion sense and does have a soft side to her reptillian visage. Plot-wise, the cat is out of the bag on Lokker's experience on the show, so we look forward to a return to promiscuous form by the Shane-ister.


LF/DF: 7/7
You almost wish they played out the ambiguousness, the distant lurking mysterious nature of Tasha a bit longer. However, not only do the eyes never lie, they provide the majority of subtext. The messages are sent like phermones through the air and when there is a new scent in the room, someone like Alice is bound to sniff them out. Their courtship was sweet, the much procrastinated consummation salivating, but you knew there would be a political issue in the pudding. I give the show thumbs up for introducing a character associated with the Iraq war, but a thumbs down for not advancing in a way that would drive home a critical point in why we should choose love over an unjust war. And the issues regarding "Don't ask/don't tell" are played to a stalemate, just where it stands in real life. For a show purporting to be cutting edge, you have to advance thought processes as pertains to the current conditions we are living in.


LF/DF: 6/6
Now I'm wishing I didn't do this alphabetically. Took me a while to figure out who she was (again, this is my first season) but she was all bitchy with the kid stuff with Bette, but now it seems they really patched things up at the end. In a really weird weird way. The character is pretty nice considering she's an agent of some kind. I don't know what's her conflict with not wanting to bang Lez Girls director Kate (Annabella Schiorra). Basically Tina's fucked up after her awful straight marriage experience, her breakup and prolonged flirtation with Bette or all 3 combined. Yes, LA is a mess if you're a high powered lesbian with straight tendencies and film deals to nail down.

DENOUMENT:
The name of the show, what does the L stand for. One's first instinct of course, is Lesbian, It could also be lust, lifestyle, labia etc. But it seems the characters are all looking for a relationship, for completion, for intamacy, so my guess would be love, and I won't be looking up any Eileen Chaiken interview to confirm this. So that is it.
Excuse me while I pick up my penis from the floor.