I like it when you die.

Dept. Of Evil: 'All Of You Must Die'

L'Deaux- Season 2 Wrap-up (As If...)

Yo, what happened to my readership? Thought I had a thing going with the lesbian community and all, me being a straight guy with a sensitive streak. I was hoping this would lead to a touring gig with Toshi Reagon, or maybe play lead guitar in Heart (More on that later).
Dayum, I could have been the original Angus, except with better facial hair. Actually I am that. Feel real sorry for that actor, he did a really good job as Sam Phillips in Walk the Line, but as a rock and roll performer ah...nope.

So I will persevere for novelty's sake, and if you're a really fuckin' hardcore fan of the VAGENE, and it's inherent element, the G, read on, and comment, you lez-beenz!!

The rating system again, LF/DF (Like-ability, Do-abilty)

Season Two, bitches!


Alice
LF/DF: 8/8
Well the production designers settled on a look and she looks really good here. She's not all wrapped up in the Our Chart and that makes her less creepy, although it is a good move that she brings in up on the radio show. Somehow, the whirlwind fuckfest with Dana feels wrong to me. They're such good friends and so sympatico, it's hard to impose deeper feelings between the two. Alice is the more dominant personality and the personality of the romance. However, Dana is growing more confident at such an exponential rate that she is not subjugating herself to her romatic paramour anymore. After finally vanquishing the repulsive Tanya, the sky's the limit for Dana and this leaves Alice soon to be heartbroken. Sad times ahead, but Alice has plenty of spirit flowing through that bangin' bod. Holla!

Bette
LF/DF: 8/7
I am happy to give Bette a higher rating this season. She is the only character with a real backbone and Fuck-You quality, and she's still hot n' sexy. Also props for taking much grief and guff and stuff. Coming clean with her sinful ways and making it back with Tina the long way. She Urned it. More props for being good mom at birthing, good daughter at dad's funeral and good sister to Kit in general. Big FUs to Helena and the museum director.

Carmen
LF/DF: 6/9
Just smokin' man. Hot lil' bod, nice toothy smile, fun lovin' disc spinnin babe, but totally undecisive as to who she want to be bangin'. You got Shane, you got Jenny beggin' for that BEAV. No questions, give it up, dammit!

Dana
LF/DF: 9/8
Those weeks with Tanya were just painful. Hard to endure, you could see the frustration building up. Thank goodness for a clean, amicable break. Melissa Rivers!! That's funny stuff. Anyway, Dana looks great, has a great work ethic (she works, folks) under a lot of pressure. But perhaps the balance of career and relationship is too difficult for Dana to balance, but she's trying to make it work. She' a horny gay woman with years of no fingerbanging to make up for. Can't blame her for hooking up with Alice, it's comfortable and acceptable to her friends. Dana searches for a way to satisfy herself, only to find she is servicing her partner and her sponsors first.

Helena
LF/DF: 0/2
Let's just say the writers have an axe to grind with trust fund babies. Helena is gratuitously shot as a series of reaction ranging from power-trippery to jealous scavenging wantonness. It's going to be interesting to see how she works her way into the lesbian coven, after being disowned by her mother. She's definitely got it coming.
Folks, I was definitely grossed out. Grossed out by the pregnant cunnilingus. I don't know what that makes me, but there it it. I think an infection was spread to the baby by Helena's tongue from hell. Then to see her perving on other women, wishing they were knocked up so she could do nasty things to their hormone-swollen bodies. Sick, Was she trying to suck the amniotic fluid out of Tina? Is Helena that hungry for power and estrogen that she's gotta do that? Fuckin sick!

Jenny
LF/DF: 6/6
Holy shit, it's alright to like Jenny! With a heavy hint of caution. Apparently the producers were met with tons of hate mail by the hardcore lady-humps offended by the ever irritating presence of the psycho straight waif. Clearly steps have been made to make the character more likeable, but still maintain a degree of unpredictable edginess. I thought fair warning was due when she came on to Carmen, more crazy Jenny sex starved loony stuff. But eventually Jenny didn't threaten anyone with her self destructive ways but herself.
Now, the notion of stripping being a cathartic experience to expunge yourself of bad childhood memories is something I don't necessarily believe in, but clearly the writers do. Jenny endorses the activity explicitly, and follows through by cutting herself, a punishment for her (unwilling) participation in a shameful, horrible experience. This will hopefully be a positive for her in the next season, with the combination of her writing class with Sandra Bernhardt. Maybe she will divert the energy from her confused sex life and put it into her writing, which may transmogrify from plagiarism and vampirism to ecstatic self-realization and dark catharsis where it belongs, I guess. Dig the short cut.

Kit
LF/DF: 7/5
Not much happening with Kit this season. I'm all for her taking over the Planet, big chance there. i'm even for her brief romance with Benjamin's TOE, who looks like a Milk Dud. Got her in the state of mind she needed to be in.

Shane
LF/DF: 8/7
I like the short hair, I like the integrity. Taking a gig with a big crazy director and telling her to fuck off when it just became filling her ego void. Still a good friend, but I don't know why the writers would even entertain hooking her up with Jenny even briefly. Too much room for conflict. Just keep it on the chill tip Shane-O. Cut Jenny's hair, bang the shit out of Carmen and you'll be fine.

Tina:
LF/DF: 7/4
Wow, looks like she's carrying Season 1 and 2's baby simultaneously. Huge! I can understand the arc of making Bette slowly work her way back and using Helena as a bit of leverage, but that was taking things a bit too far with H, as it turned out. Ick!

Now I've got something to say about home birthing devices. What an egregious waste! A huge, largely temporary device you use only once and then have to go to the hospital anyway. How do you biodegrade that? Landfill sucker! Minus point.

Now I've got something to say about cloth diapers. I assume they'll come to be utilized by the new parents. Madonna recently endorsed cloth diapers as a great environment-saver. I'm sure they're great if you can afford somebody to clean them for you. But I'll bet there are millions of parents that would slit their wrists if you took away their Pampers.
And Sheryl Crow, another tree-huggin adopt-a celebutard. One square of toilet tissue? Perfect to absorb that cube of edamame you had for lunch, but me and my Popeye's Spicy 5 piece need half a roll at least. Why can't these ladies age gracefully like Marianne Faithfull and eventually die elegantly like Anita O'Day?
Smoke 'em if you got 'em ladies, as long as they're backstage.

See you after Season 3, or sooner if I can pass the audition for Heart. I got Crazy on you on the Brain!

The cheesy white center in the middle of Chocolate City

The most Whiskey Tango event I have ever seen is going on in the big parking lot in the middle of downtown DC. Bands like Silversun Pickups (yawn) are bouncing off the big hotels like Dramma dramma dramma dunnnnnn! Countless NoVa residents are sampling chili and drinking lots of (dometic beer). It is the DC101 Chili Cookoff or something.

"We" hope we passed the audition

I think it's alright for a solo act to refer to itelf as "we" and it's a John Lennon quote so, cool, OK?

At my 95 second audition today I realized what a wise decision I had made in my repertoire of jazz standards, particularly Monk material that is a more brevious AABA format than say, a Mingus composition which has many parts.
I was maybe the 5th person to set up before the 5 or 6 person panel. Gave a quick introduction and background on myself until it grew tiresome, they declared me to play and I went right into it. No setting up pedals, no tune up, no wiping off the sweat (it was humid) and I did dress nicely for the occasion. Right into "A Train", after the third A (a full stanza) the judge asked for another tune...right into "Blue Monk". Sensing the m.o. before me, I finished one stanza of that and went right into "Straight, No Chaser". One stanza of that and I was done. Smiles, thanks, exit stage...whatever.

A guy outside immediately starts talking to me like we'd met before. Circumstances discussed. He (50 yr old black dude w/ dreads) says he auditioned on Thursday, did "Hey Joe" and when the judge asked for another tune, he didn't have a follow up, thus he was back again. What followed was undoubtely a tedious affair of ethnic acts, earnest acoustiphiles, entire violin classes and perhaps a soft shoe or 2.


23 skiddoo, I need this gig, yoo-hoo!!

Blues Singer's Woman Permitted To Tell Her Side

All the guitars in the world!!!!!!!!

Perenially at the risk of boring y'all I will tell you of my visit yesterday to Guitar Center in Twinbrook, near Rockville Maryland.
Shall I mention the Metro ride? Well I felt queasy and crappy being on a train, but hey, it's cheap. I am going for the Metro performers license on Saturday and I needed a battery powered Taxi amp. Normally I would have ordered this amp online but time was short and I haven't been in the cozy guitar filled confines of guitar center in quite a while.
I entered, a salesman brought my amp up, put it behind the counter and I grabbed guitars for at least an hour.
The Fenders were rather unimpressive. The Tele Deluxe 1972 replicas were what you'd expect from a Mexican made $629 axe. They don't make a USA model with that configuration, so no interest. The $249 Squier JagMaster actually had a cooler vibe than the all black $500 Fender Jaguar. I like the simplicity and the sunburst/fake turquoise pickguard as well as the gritty tone I elicited from the 10 watt Fender Champ I was cranking on. The only Strat I touched was one of those "restored relics", which combines vintage specs and parts with "aged" effects like belt clip scratches and weather stripping. I liked the candy apple red with matching headstock. Those were around 2 grand.
Gibson had a nice 3 pickup SG in faded ebony. Very natural. The regular Firebirds were a disappointment. Really cheesy finish in red and sundburst but the beauty of them all was a 3 pickup Non-Reverse Firebird in white with dark flecks. I've never seen a finish like that, kind of like dirty snow. That axe was immaculate and not ridiculous at $1700.
Acoustic wise was all the usual, Martins, Taylors and Ovations. There was a 00 Martin with the real vintage headstock but it still didn't seem like a real parlor-style guitar to me. Also the new Taylor slimline electric was remarkably average. The consumer models (or are they discounted down from 2300 to more around 1500??) Were fast and crisp but felt unsubstantial, especially for the money they charge.
Fender has the right idea with the USA made P-Bass. Badass bridge and vintage LARGE lettering on the headstock are all that's required. I was playing along to Minor Threat. How the hell can you try out guitars in a store when they're playing the Minor Threat anthology on the PA? I know it's short, but still...

Why I don't write love songs (prodigously)

Inspiration sometimes comes from the most unlikely sources. In fact it may arise from the polar opposite of the emotion elicited from the subject. Such was the case when I viewed the new Marilyn Manson video. I don't remember the title, all for the best that I keep a direct acknowledgement vague.
Not a big fan. Why? It seemed that the MM act consistently went out of their way to offend the public a. naming the band members after celebrities & serial killers (which is not offensive to me) and b. making mediocre music (most offensive to me).
So years have passed, his star has risen and leveled off considerably, and he is known as of late to have dumped his wife, Burlesque model/performer Dita Von Teese for the considerably younger actress Evan Rachel Wood. The video is supposedly some kind of cathartic expression of his guilt, joy and horniness.
The backing track isn't awful, sounding more like the Clash than Ministry, which gave me the courage to hang in through the 8 minute duration of the video. When you have money and fame the only thing you have to worry about is how to balance your love life with your career. This leaves MM in a state of whininess, crooning about his heart, his love, his flesh.

Dat. dat dat dat dah......
Shut the FUCK...UP!!

It may take me a while to finish this songt, along with the last one I wrote, cuz i have no studio time lined up, no Discmakers order to place, so I will just let you in on a preview of the songs that I will finish when the time is right.
It;s great being in love, feeling secure and cared for so what else is there? A world with a big flaming open sore right in it's solar plexus. Iraq, the birthplace of civilization, the Tigrss/Euphrates rivers which birthed us all is a mess, a victim of America's leadership preemptively and with micromanaged precision in a stranglehold out of control. Our own process of government unable to better this place by example for it cannot get out of it's own way.
The idea, metaphorically and humorously is to encapsulate the flawed logic ruling the process of our politics, currently. To lament without being didactic is my hope. I'm searching for the reverse inspiration as well to write a little dittty for my GF, maybe if there's a gig coming where I can really make her blush up in front of her peeps. Awww!

L'Rewind: The Beginning (Now I'm just asking for trouble)

Well ladies and germs (all present?) My season 4 wrap up was such a huge success (3 comments!) that I had to be true to my word and watch season l'one of "L". Not necessarily that I need a PHD-like understanding of these iconic and culturally prescient characters, but more about how rare and essential it is to find a big chunk of programming me and my girlfriend can share somewhat comfortably. (My manhood is still attached to my greater torso).

My "what do you think of her?" rating system is as follows: Likeability/Doability Factor (LF/DF).


LF/DF: 8/6
A slight dip in the looks department. It seems the producers can't decide on a look for her. Sometimes punk, sometimes preppy, episode 13 has her in a 60s polyester suit and swept back hair as she makes her desperate mystery move on Dana. Very odd indeed. I would think this move would be symbolic of her primary motivation:to maintain her close friendship, paticularly with the perenially troulbed Dana. I loved her flashback to her college band (her coming out story). The experimental affair with lesbian-identified Male, Lisa (??) is a testimonial to A's searching and confused path to fulfillment, thus a person better suited to serve her friends than herself.


LF/DF: 6/5
Bonus points for her brave front grabbing and defending the "Provocations" show. Minus points for leaving her phone off when Tina was in a panic (after promising to do so), guilt tripping Tina after she returned from NY, and for getting jealous of Tina's charity work, and cheating with Candacel (although I wanted them to get it on in the jail cell). So we see the signs of Bette's controlling nature graduate through the series that will eventually destroy her thing with Tina, that will be a recurring theme in Season 2 no doubt. Beals' "method acting" is starting to get on my nerves, frankly.


LF/DF: 8/8
It is refreshing to see a bit of New York style self-conscious turmoil in this freewheeling circle. For family and career, Dana finds herself in the closet unable to follow up on her impulses, or even look her best. As far as she comes in overcoming these obstacles with the game and garrolous Lara, Dana pushes forward to wriggle into a comfort zone. She settles with the annoyingly JAP-ish, stalkerish cat-murderer Tanya because she fullfills Dana professionally and pads her ego, not seeing the totally selfish nature of T. Sad to see someone who works so hard at self-improvement doomed to imminent tragedy.


LF/DF:1/3
Tim LF/DF: 6/n.a.

I will introduce Jenny in the proper context: an appendage, a wife-to be, a neighbor. We are voyeuristally exposed to Jenny as a someone who exists in a series of reactions, someone not fully in control, exposed to a world, an atmosphere, a set of impulses that are all new to Jenny, who is "an innocent". It is indicated that she is a writer capable of dark imagery, and as her professor insists, she must act upon impulses to expunge these experiences into sullen dank prose. That is her gift. But who reads fiction anyway? It is only after she has obliterated both sides of her sexual conquests that she finds a metaphorically safe venue to expound on: the mating rituals of the manatee. But in the process she meets Gene, a marine curator, and in the process doubly cuckolds Tim.
Tim is an archaic male character. A jock settling down with a High School girlfriend. Clearly he is too dumb to not anticipate
a lesbian hijacking by bringing Jenny to LA. He must not be paying attention to the glances being exchanged at the planet, perhaps he is a grab your mug and go kinda guy. Neighbors Bette and Tina must have seemed mature and settled to Tim, unaware of the cabal the lezzies barely contain (see the chart!) Tim is hopefully deranged, going through with the marriage then leaving Jenny in Tahoe, remarkably restrained allowing her to rent the tool shed, which is finely remodeled. I'll give the writers credit either way for making Tim, under the circumstances suitably complex. Go back to Salt Lake, Timmy!


LF/DF: 8/6

Pam looks very well put together this season and seems on a good path to sobriety. I expect big trouble in Season 2 when her recording deal with Slim Daddy (played by Snoop Dogg-holla!) falls through and Bette gives her a big I told-you-so glare.
The depression will set in, she'll start drinking and maybe take up with some slobby guy. This will break the heart of Ivan (Kelly Lynch), the pompodour-femulletted drag king who has made a big romantic play for her affections. It is a shame that Kit will not join the pack for it seems that not only does Ivan care deeply for her, she could also keep Kit sober, having been through the program for a decade or so.


LF/DF: 3/5

Serious character deductions folks. Julie was constantly prodding me, asking "Isn't she beautiful? Isn't she just gorgeous? C'mon tell me!!" Look, I see the Ingrid Bergman with rock hard abs vision of smoldering sexuality doling out lattes and loving. But what in Hell's Honey Hole is this woman doing persuing the psycho straight waif Schecter???? Isn't that breaking code or something? I understand the arrangement she has with her girlfriend Francesca, but Marina could have nipped it all in the bud by the time F got home from her work. I think the experience should have taught her a lesson in dealing with straights, but I suppose ruining a marriage and ruining her own relationship/business arrangement are miniscule when looking into THOSE EYES....THOSE thin lips....those bony hands...that unpublished genius of a homeless troublemaker, who has told her off, insisting theirs was a mistake etc. Marina sinks further, dragging herself to Jenny's level by horning in on Jenny's first lesbian conquest (Robin). Trying to make Jenny jealous? Bitch please, my head's gonna explode!!


LF/DF: 7/8

It's tough to do, but I have to give Shane some demerits for having too big a heart. I know it's early, and her hustling days, though they feel quite distant are less in the past than they are later, but possessing coke, doing coke, giving coke to hustler buds and letting them crash in your already crowded apartment, well that's just trouble. Toughen up, be a dick, especially to hustler junkies and be stronger than what you have overcome. And be a proper mentor to a troubled youth and don't let yourself be a victim to their drama. Clea fucks up a sweet deal with Shane's salon, but that might have been doomed anyway with the dramatic passive-aggressiveness Sherri (Rosanna Arquette). And how does Shane manage to "fall in love" with this woman so quickly, as this is so not "the way of Shane?" Perhaps the hustling is still not far behind her, the lure of the quick buck, the sweetheart deal. Shane is looking a bit more femme here, and still a down to earth friendly sort.


LF/DF: 8/9

Here's the steal of the season. I had no idea Tina was this hot seeing her in season 4. Very sweet and wholesome looking, so supportive and generous. Taking humiliation and emasculation with selfless devotion a. having a baby with lesbian lover, b. having large Afro-American sperm in her body, a bit challenging to a WASPY woman, c. dealing with crazy Asian wife threatening legal action, having to deal with her single-handedly. d. via TV magic, managing to still look very hot, maintain love of domesticity while showing no overt signs of imminent pregnancy. e. dealing with total rejection of Bette's father (the late Ossie Davis). Her reaction to Bette's infidelity was quite understandable, sympathy points for being overpowered and fingered forcibly. Minus points for being all hung up on group therapy and excess talk of vaginal discharge, asst. baby blather.

More characters (unpictured)

Candace Lf/DF: 7/7
Dayum! Hottest thing in overalls since Bo Duke.

Francesca LF/DF: 4/6
First I felt her arrangement was justified, both can have affairs when she and Marina are apart. Understandable to play a few games with Jenny when Fran sensed the hubbub. But the controlling nature became a bit too tight for reason. Money corrupts.

Ivan LF/DF: 9/4
Just an entertaining goil with style and love to give.

Lara LF/DF: 8/8
Just a fun flirty femme fagale. She did all she could to bring Dana out, make her feel good, sexy and loved. She deserves better treatment than she got. She didn't see the star Dana, she saw geeky scared closeted hottie Dana.

Robin LF/DF: 7/5
Bonus points for showing boobies. Negative points for being gullible enough to get caught in Bermuda Triangle i.e. Jenny/Marina mess.

Sherri LF/DF: 3/6
Selfishly seduces Shane, subsequently spurns same. Insufficient proof. Destructive!

Tanya LF/DF: 1/1
If she had just done her job, fine. But alas, someone with a lower rating than Jenny.

"Medium Well"

That was my response to all who asked how I felt today, 24 hours after my last painful Kidney Stone episode.
Percocet goes nicely with Spinach Pie. And Bananas have less Potassium than Gatorade or Wonder Bread.
WTF???

Shameless Plea for Sympathy..with built in rewards

You know when you go on a vacation and get back late at night and just go to sleep because you have to be at work the next morning? Well my scenario was something like that. Home at 10pm last night and had to be at work by 9.

OK, I know I'm boring you so far, so I offer you Sienna Miller's ass as an incentive to keep reading::

That's just an apertif. More nook where that came from.

I woke up at 6:30 a.m with what I thought was another of many calls of nature, only to find myself already spent.
10 minutes later I get the familiar abdominal pain associated with a Kidney Stone. I had one once before and this pain was identically excruciating. Whimpering pain and discomfort for hours was sure to follow. Along with the prerequisite nausea, sweating and overall clamminess. Okay, I know this is making you readers uncomfortable and perhaps a bit nauseous yourself. But I'm sure we've all been there. It's all a part of life, take the good with the bad. For example, take the hard pAAArtying habits of Ms. Lindsay Lohan. I'm not sure what motivated her to go into rehab (spiritual reasons?) Maybe one particularly strenuous service at the porcelain altar might give her perspective. But God bless her anyway, she's young, seemingly indestructible, thick and freckly skinned and ummmmm, take a gander:


So I'm home from the ER, got medication and will be resting up for the time being. I am the kind of person who doesn't like to shirk his responsibilities in the workplace however. I should really take my time, lest I be seen as somebody such as Britney Spears. Her Rehab stay IMHO was all to brief and did not address certain issues running deep in her psyche. But if it's a creative outlet she wants I think it's a step in the right direction. But the atmosphere surrounding here recent club appearance in San Diego and this picture below signifies there is something amiss in that there brain thingy.



If I haven't lost you by now, then you are a true friend of the G. I shall bounce back shiny and fresh as a freshly cut Portman and will sing karaeoke to the break of midnight once again! Special thanks to my special one, my girlfriend Julie who did much in the way of comforting me through this and stayed home to make sure i'm alright.